Home »
Fading to Gerry Garcia
By Ian Cobb
It struck me last night as we lay in bed watching television that a great number of commercials must be created by people smoking large volumes of cannabis.
Seriously. Some of the imagery and messages oozing from our idiot boxes (nod to Frank) are so bizarre that it is simple to make the assumption that writers, videographers etc. are stoned out of their gourds when they create them.
So it got me to thinking – seeing as how marijuana legalization is looming around the multi-coloured corner â wonât it be great when the first âbuy our weedâ commercials start showing up on our tellies?
Commercial One
Opening shot: A camera squints into the sun to the sound of a long inhalation; a blink of darkness followed by a pan-back shot of a massive volume of smoke billowing, first into the brilliance of the sunlight then darkening as the shot widens, exposing an amazing mountain top view.
A voice, possibly Woody Harrelsonâs, with an edge of awe while the camera pans across a panoramic mountain-valley view: âIt was a long climb to get here, but it was worth it.â
Cut to new shot of a baggie with weed and next to it a half-smoked spleef, a thin line of blue smoke rising from it. A hand gently pinches the fat roach.
Voice: âI sure am glad I remembered to stop at Stoneyâs House of Ganja and Ephemera and scored this quarter ounce bag of Purple Diesel before coming here.â
Another inhalation and long exhale, with the camera again panning the majestic mountain setting.
Voice: âNow if only I remembered to bring my lunch.â Stoner laugh leads to rapid-fire consumer alert voice. âMarijuana may lead to sudden urges to slather peanut butter on every food stuff in your house; marijuana can lead to obesity, sloth, fits of uncontrollable laughter, merriment, a sense of well-being, pizza parlours, movie houses and in some cases, dead ends with mind-blazingly difficult ways out. Some people may experience bouts of anxiety and may see Bugs Bunny and/or Yosemite Sam playing catch with a slew of weasels in a park. As marijuana can be smoked, some people may experience sore throats and coughing fits, while others may feel numbness in their extremities. Some people experience raging fits of creativity after consuming marijuana; others not so much; more like raging fits of lying down, eating stale Nachos and watching the Weather Channel (all the while believing you are watching a re-run of Twister).
âIf you experience dizziness, sit down for crying out loud. In some cases people who consume marijuana lose their desire to be violent lunatics and this may cause a sense of loss of who we are or what we are. There may be some crying with some people while others wonât shut up. Some people who use marijuana become obsessed with music and this can lead to a drain of financial resources, which cuts into the weed budget and creates a terrible paradox for some people. Please use carefully and do not operate heavy machinery or complex gizmos like chopsticks. We are not responsible for taking out an eye. Stoneyâs House of Ganja and Ephemera, 420-420 Slater Road, Cranbrook.â
Or, I suspect, weâll get some trippy ads invoking the 60s and 70s. Guru Guru or Grobschnnitt or Gong will soundtrack 30 seconds of lava lamp-like colourful billowing while a sexy voice purrs about the glories of Blue Goo, currently available at 40% off at Fat Freddyâs Cat Shop.
And I suspect weâll see extreme camp. How about a stoner looking guy standing in a field, waving his hands around frantically while he shouts, like a bad car ad cad, âCâmon down to Budâs Bud Stop where the good times are just waitinâ to get going. Why spend $20 more for stale shit when you can score our tasty shit and have funds leftover to allow you to buy a pizza, a bucket of chicken or eleventeen cheeseburgers! It doesnât get any better than that, I tell you! Remember, Budâs Bud Stop and NO MUNCHIES because we care about your pocketbook! Located not far from the Running Man but donât use that as a guide-point because it gets more people lost than it helps to lead them to our store. Our address is⊠uh⊠our address is⊠HEY, Ron, whatâs our frigginâ address? Ron? Oh sorry, not Ron, itâs Tom, isnât it? TOM, whatâs our address?â Fade to Gerry Garcia; the deceased rock star AND the brand of ice cream.
A whole new genre of advertising is coming. I can hardly⊠uh⊠hardly⊠um⊠hardly wait!