Mommy’s Weird

By Kyla Cornish

Now that Whirlwind is school aged I have made some new mommy friends.

Which is about damn time.

Remember when I was stalking them?  Or trying to impress them with my Pinterest Hairy Hot Dogs?  Or trying to talk to them inappropriately about their sex lives? Or doing my hair for school pick up?

I was trying too damned hard to just make one of those women take me on for the long haul.

And it worked.

Some of them really like me.

And I truly mean some of them.

I know.

Who knew?

I mean one of them did mention that her sister said, “I don’t think I would want to be Kyla’s friend because what if she says shit about you?”

Which is totally true.

I may just tell everyone your secrets. But, to be honest, most of my friends think their secrets are really good. Don’t flatter yourselves ladies. You are all just a little bit boring to me.

Have a one-night stand with Jason Priestly and then call me.

Wait. One of my friends actually did that.

Anywho… This is how you get in my blog…

I totally manipulated one of my new mommy friends into making me a beautiful lasagna.

I have also tricked another one into baking me nummy cookies, lending me books and sadly giving my kids the annoying loud toys that she doesn’t want in her house any more. I have also suck-holed another for free produce.

No really.

Who wants frozen kale?

Then there was the new mommy friend who gave me the nicest hand me downs my poor un-matching non-brand named children had ever seen.

And then I made another new mommy friend feel so terrible about taking a photo of a super stoned Scrubit and not buying it for me, that she actually went back to the store and bought me this little tweeker.

I have found the secret to making new mommy friends. You find their weaknesses and you make them feel super shitty about themselves until they buy and make you things.

Everyone has a soft spot.

And they have all found mine.

Thanks so much for being so awesome and kind to me. I only hope I can return the favour of awesomeness that you have all shown me.

Okay, who am I kidding?

Can this blog post be enough?

AMENDMENT:  My old friends rock. I love you. You do kind things for me all the time. Kiss, kiss, hug, hug. Now get over yourselves.

– Kyla Cornish is a “retired” radio Dj adjusting to being a Momma of two children. Main problems? Lack of sex, sleep sanity and an addiction to saucy chicken wings. Kyla has been published in a series of funny blogger ebooks, “Life Well Blogged.” She has also been recognized as one of the Top 25 Funny Moms in Canada and US by Circle of Moms. Then she was kicked out of that contest for cheating. She also won a baking competition when she was 11 at a 4-H Rally. Find Kyla here: http://www.mommysweird.com and follow on twitter @mommyisweird

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