The following is the hilarious and heartfelt speech made at the Cranbrook and District Chamber of Commerce’s Christmas luncheon today (Dec. 14) by local writer and communicator Tanya Laing Gahr.

Remember how last year I took some current events and put them to the tune of 12 Days of Christmas—a familiar tune—and everyone laughed and laughed and it was awesome? And then remember how Mary Schatschneider and Todd Butler showed up here and brought guitars and took current events and put them to familiar tunes and everyone laughed and laughed?

I refuse to be upstaged at my own game, ladies and gentlemen. I’m tapping out.

I am very honoured to have been invited to speak at the Chamber Christmas luncheon. To have been asked once was an accident; twice is a coincidence. But three times—three times, ladies and gentlemen, is a trend and as any financial guru who has ever spoken at a Chamber luncheon will tell you, trends predict the future.

At least, I think that’s what they’ve said. I’ve got to be honest and say that as soon as someone puts up graphs about financial futures, I go away in my head to some place sunny where numbers and bar graphs are not welcome. Bless you, you do good work, important work. It’s totally my failing, but as soon as that PowerPoint comes up with economic trends, I lose everything between “Good afternoon” and “Are there any questions?”

Don’t judge me.

So, back on topic. Knowing a trend when I see one, I’ve decided that the statistical likelihood of me delivering the Christmas address 20 years from now is approximately 100 per cent, plus or minus. So, I decided that it was time to turn over a new leaf and get things done ahead of time. Way ahead of time. I have here the introduction to the Cranbrook & District Chamber of Commerce speech for Christmas, 2031.

“Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen, Board of Directors, and our newly elected all-deer city council and overlords, who are kind and benevolent and who were very fair in the recent human culls.

Wow, what a year we’ve had. Obviously, we need to make mention of yet another very successful turkey drive. Congratulations to the staff and directors of the chamber for spearheading the campaign, and to Colin Campbell who was effective in getting the city renamed Kraft Turkeyville.

Also, the completion of the 9th street overpass was finally completed, thanks to the work of Gerry Warner 20 years ago, although our new hover cars make it a bit unnecessary now.”

That’s as far as I got. I did also predict a new provincial ruling junta that included Garry Anderson and Karin Penner, because we all understand them to be the real power brokers in Cranbrook, but (ha ha ha) I didn’t want to anger them by exposing their secret.

In all sincerity, I am so happy to be speaking here for the Christmas address once again. Even as a self-identified pantheist, Christmas is my favourite holiday – except that, and let’s be real, everyone always talks about how great it will be to get together with family over the holidays, as if family weren’t the most crazy-making people you know.

Look, we all love our families, assuming they haven’t shown up on the evening news with neighbours saying, “They seemed so nice—kept to themselves a lot.” For the most part, we make peace with their quirks: the weird food they’re now eating; the questionable political stances; the terror that they’re going to say something embarrassing that will leave a stain on you for years to come. It’s just in close proximity, those little idiosyncrasies become magnified. And when when several generations of extended family come together for a visit in an enclosed environment, every adult reverts back to their childhood or parental roles and attitudes, leaving the actual children no choice but to revert back to toddlerhood. It’s a fascinating study in human development. It’s important bonding time for everyone. It’s a great reason to remind oneself why they’ve moved hundreds of miles from the place of their birth. But it’s not what one could consider a holiday.

And yet, at Christmas, many of us will dutifully gather up kids, dog, and the presents that you clever people who never procrastinate bought in July and that the rest of us found during a three-hour power shopping trip fueled by egg nog lattes and desperation. If you’re like me, as soon as you walk through the door of your childhood home, you’ll instantly develop bad posture, acne, and a surly attitude. Eyes will roll madly in your head at your parents’ crazy new retirement scheme or their favourite TV shows or the stories they insist on telling you about people you have only the vaguest conception of. “You remember my second cousin’s Auntie Margaret? She gave you a mustard and turpentine poultice when you were four and you cried and cried. Anyhow, she finally had that huge goiter removed because it started telling her to kill Uncle Fred.”

And the tension. Oh, the barely suppressed tension that is not always alleviated by several rum and egg nogs. I remember being in charge of the potatoes one Christmas, and while I was doctoring them, my mother came by to supervise. Not too much milk, she said. Don’t mash all the lumps out of it; a bit of texture is nice, she said. You should probably add some more butter, she said. And I snapped. “Mother,” I said. “I am a self-actualized woman. I have accomplished many things. People in my community like me and respect me and ask me to give heartwarming speeches. I KNOW HOW TO MASH THE FAaaalalalalalalala!”

Why do I put myself through that? Because it’s family. I love my family deeply. My mum has always been one of my best friends, even when we’ve snarked at one another. She was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and two days before Christmas, she had a mastectomy. Today, she’s in great health–though because it was her left breast that was removed, she complains that she’s leaning further to the right than she’s comfortable with. And the whole experience reminded me how precious those bonds are and no matter how insane the families we were born into or the families we create may be, no matter how we may fight or squabble or tantrum or ignore, our families are important. They shape us and continue to shape us our entire lives. And I know that my mum will always have my back, no matter what happens, and I’ve got hers.

For me, that’s been one of the advantages of living in Cranbrook–it’s such a connected community that I always feel like I’m among family.

We’ve certainly seen our share of family squabbles in Cranbrook. We’ve disagreed about development, about leadership, about how to best serve businesses and culture. Sometimes, in these conflicts, things have been said that are hurtful or untrue or unkind. Sometimes, even the best of us have developed poor posture, acne, and a surly attitude.

But I like to think that when the chips are down, people in Cranbrook have got each other’s back. We saw it again this year when the Chamber met its goal during the turkey drive, which means that those in the most need this Christmas will still have a feast set before them. We saw it when our businesses got huge support from the community during Black Friday. We saw it in the launch of the East Kootenay Foundation for Health’s Clearview Campaign, where individuals, businesses, and organizations raised more than $500,000 toward the purchase of a new digital mammography unit that will better diagnose breast cancer—something that is obviously near and dear to my heart. There are so many individuals and organizations who volunteer their time keeping this weird Cranbrook family strong. They plant flowers along the strip to make it more appealing, or shovel the sidewalks of their elderly neighbours. They volunteer at schools, put together fantastic events like the Canada Cup, and are there to support families in crisis, because they’re part of our family.

Look around—we’ve got wacky Uncle Bill Bennett who says the craziest thing at every gathering and no one really knows where to look. There’s Nanny P., who loves us all deeply but God help us if we step out of line. There’s cousin Jason Wheeldon, who likes to dress up in unconventional clothing but would still give you the shirt off his back. There’s Big Brother Joey Hoechsmann, who has the biggest bedroom in the house but invites you in to hang out any time. There’s Auntie Denise Pallesen, who makes sure we’ve taken our vitamins and tells the young women in the family they can accomplish anything, and Uncle Bob Whetham who has a thousand stories about places he’s been and things that he’s seen. It’s an eccentric but generally caring family.

So I think that, like family, when the disagreements happen, it’s because we all care so, so deeply about this place. We believe in it. It anchors us and shapes us. We want what’s best for our city, and are often willing to fight for it, because the people here matter to us.

And that’s what I love about Christmas and any of the midwinter celebrations. It’s a time of putting differences aside, at least until after making merry, and appreciating the warmth and the light of the people closest to you.

So Merry Christmas to you, my extended, somewhat dysfunctional and ultimately fabulous Cranbrook family.

Through the years

We all will be together,

If the Fates allow

Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.

And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

Tanya Laing Gahr

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