About a year ago my older brother sheepishly handed me a book and asked me to promise not to be mad at him.  It was a copy of Jennifer Kolari’s parenting book called ‘Connected Parenting’ and by the look in his eye I could see that he was worried I would be offended to receive such a gift.

He quietly told me that he could see that I was having a tough time raising my two highly energetic boys (aged two and four at the time) and wanted to do something to help.  Not having children of his own he didn’t have any parenting tips to share so he did what he does when he is faced with problems in his business, he went to the bookstore for some answers.  What he found at that bookstore has changed my life for the better and rather than being offended by his gift I have been inspired to share it with as many people as possible.

In Connected Parenting Jennifer Kolari has provided parents with another way to look at those difficult behaviours we all deal with from our children.  From this new perspective a tantrum can go from being a time of disconnection and anger between a parent and a child, to an opportunity to deeply connect and understand one another from a place of love and compassion.  This shift in the way I see difficult behaviours has made an enormous impact on how my children behave and allowed us to all take it down a notch and enjoy some peace.

Connected Parenting begins like this: “Because you have picked up this book, chances are you have experienced moments when you have been totally exasperated, frustrated, and exhausted by your child’s behaviour.  You have lived through meltdowns and flailing legs as you try to put on your child’s shoes; you’ve fought battles every day over the smallest things, and heard the word “no” more than you would care to imagine.”  I felt immediately that this was a book I could relate to and saw that it was written by an author who wasn’t going to sugar coat how difficult parenting is.  She went on to say that “what makes this program so different is the fact that the Connected Parenting method is primarily based on therapy techniques, not parenting techniques.  It helps you to bond with and soothe your kids, as well as to model compassion, empathy, responsibility, and a commitment to deep understanding.  It gives you a way to effectively contain and to guide correct behaviour that comes from a place of love rather than from anger or frustration.  It brings out the best in both you and your child”.  As deeply as I love my children I realised in that sentence that much of my discipline as a parent was coming from a place of anger and frustration and it made me sad to see it that way.   I was very hopeful that this book would provide me with some real solutions to change this and I was not disappointed.

I am a good parent, even great sometimes, but I am not perfect and don’t believe that anyone is.  I am human after all, as fallible as anyone else, and so is Jennifer Kolari.  She writes, “What is also important about this model is that it recognizes that we all make mistakes and offers ways to repair and ‘redo’ when necessary.  As a mother, I know how frustrating parenting can be and that we all lose our temper and blow it sometimes.” This tone of understanding and honestly is carried throughout the book making it very easy to read and enjoy.  She makes you feel she understands what you’re going through, offers examples of the struggles of parents she has seen in her 30 years of family therapy, and provides you with proven techniques for turning the difficult behaviours around.  It is an insightful and important book and I am incredibly thankful to my brother for loving me and my boys enough to give it to me.

Mrs. Kolari writes that. “At the heart of what I teach is kindness.  Deep listening, caring and compassion build strong, emotionally healthy children equipped with the neurological hardware to weather whatever life throws their way.  Maintaining that kind of empathy is very hard when your child screams at you, throws tantrums, and says no to almost everything you ask, but it is the surest, most effective way to change behaviour.”

Mrs. Kolari will be presenting her Connected Parenting Workshops in Fernie, Sept. 26, Cranbrook Sept. 27 and Golden Sept. 28.  There’s still time to register for more information, go to www.ekkids.ca .

By Keri Rinehart

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