By Anne Jardine

Whistle blowers are finally being heard. Disrespectful or abusive behaviour by people in powerful positions is being exposed, instance by shocking instance, no longer to be quietly endured, no longer to be tolerated and casually accepted as the price of doing business.

The doers of the bad behavior often issue weak denials and lame excuses such as, “I was drunk (or young, or influenced etc.) at the time,” or “I don’t remember doing such a thing, but if I did, I certainly had no bad intent.” We’ve all heard these justifications and sometimes self-righteous responses.

The typical statements usually give reasons why what the powerful person did was not really wrong, why the person who was harmed was overreacting, or why the person who was harmed must have actually consented, or else why did she wait years before mentioning it? Even worse is the implication that the person who was harmed must have made up the story, must have some kind of nefarious political agenda to bring down the powerful person. And if there were witnesses or other victims corroborating the facts, then they must all be in a conspiracy to destroy the powerful person’s reputation. The worst denial message is that the person who was wronged somehow deserved it.

Sometimes the powerful person believes he or she owes something to the person who has been harmed. They make the mistake of offering hush money. The quick and slick pay-off will usually make matters worse. Once word leaks of this, the wrongdoer is then seen as corrupt as well as abusive. What is owed is respect – both public and private. Money is not a medicine that heals broken trust.

People who hold a powerful or a public position, must put at least some statement out there because they are accountable to the public. They have usually won or earned public trust, and upholding that trust is part of their job. Thus we are treated to the apologies. Lately we have witnessed many damage-control apologies, and they rarely ring true.

Why is it that most public apologies seem false? Because there is a process that has been skipped. Making a real apology involves several essential steps. These steps happen within one’s conscience. They go deeper than damage-control strategy; they go to the heart of human relationship. This conscience process is at the centre of all the world’s great faiths, but in this civic guide to apology, we will not attempt to examine the religious rituals, sacrificial lambs, scapegoats, clerical interventions, or prayerful penance. This guide is based on the premise that civilization is a social contract, which depends on good will. Good will is the epoxy that holds society together. It is founded in two components – respect for others, and the assumption that most people share a desire to do the right thing.

Some people may consider the public apology to be an art. Some may see it as a science. Some may see it as an essential social skill, a means of re-establishing balance in a healthy society through restoring good will. But no matter how you may choose to see it, an apology is much, much more than damage control.

These are the steps of a true apology – public or private.

1. Acknowledge that you’ve done wrong. Take responsibility. You have harmed the position or office you hold, you have harmed the good opinion people have of you, but most of all you have harmed another specific human being by your behaviour. Name that person. Take some time and carefully think about how they must feel as a result of your behaviour. What you have done may have injured their physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual wellbeing. It may have destroyed their self-confidence or their good reputation. How long will it take them to recover their ability to move about freely in the world and continue their life without fear? Think about how you would feel if someone had harmed you in such a way. Offer no excuses, no justifications, no blaming of other people or of cultural forces. Own your actions.

2. Acknowledge the specific harm you have done to the person or people you have harmed. Feel that harm. Say it as fully as possible in your statement.

3. Express your regret, remorse, contrition, for the harm you’ve done. Sorry is a good simple word if sincerely felt and said. If you have been disrespectful of that person’s integrity, physical wellbeing, or dignity, say so. If you have threatened their safety, say so. If you want to win back respect, you must offer respect. The person may never forgive you, or fully trust you – and that is certainly their right; but if you make no effort to apologize, you will only increase the harm and prolong the person’s fear of further harm.

4. Show how you intend to change the behaviour pattern that led to the harm. You may not have a specific plan for change. Be honest and say you are taking ‘time-out’ to think about your patterns. You may need to consult psychological or spiritual advisors. You may decide to change your patterns by volunteering your time to a non-profit group that deals with victim assistance, or by donating to charities that help. These are grand gestures, of course. But whether it includes a grand gesture or not, your plan must focus on changing your own personal behaviour, how you treat people. Think about the step-by-step changes you can make in your attitude, expression, and actions.

5. Present a restitution plan once you have figured it out. Can you make amends to the actual person whom you have harmed? Can you restore the person’s dignity by retracting the untrue or misleading things you may have said? Can you say this privately to the person as well as in a public statement? You may need to ask the person you have wronged what you should do to set it right. This will be difficult because they have learned not to trust you. Follow up as fully as possible. Take specific action that will achieve a fair balance and restore good will. Be hopeful that your apology will be accepted, but do not expect the person to be your friend or let you back into their daily life. If total reconciliation happens as a result of your efforts, that’s a wonderful bonus, but a neutral balance is an excellent outcome. You want to ease the tension of fear and resentment, so that both you and the person you have hurt can breathe more freely.

A true apology opens a pathway towards good will.

– Anne Jardine is a long-time Edgewater/Columbia Valley resident.

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