By Ian Cobb
Okay, America, that’s enough.
Enough of this blithering farcical circus you call a presidential election campaign.
As a neighbour who still cares for you, as a people perhaps more than as a nation, I have to tell you the truth. You’re a pack of idiots.
It’s not like I have suddenly developed a new theory about Americans. Like many cogent Canadians, I’ve always viewed your anti-intellectualism as unnecessary and ridiculous. Of course, it is ridiculous to make a broad-brush statement that all Americans are stupid – extremely ridiculous; Trump-like in its absurdity and shallowness, so please understand when I say ‘you’ I am referring to anyone who would happily cast a vote for Donald Trump.
It’s pretty obvious who Trump is working for; and it ain’t you, you starry-eyed pack of nimrods. Buddy wants the presidency because he woke up one day in one of his silver-spoon-fed deliriums and thought it would be awesome to be president.
“I’m awesome,” said a sleepy Donald. “I’d make a terrific president because I am terrific.”
“What dear?” His wife asked. “Shut your face you pig,” Donald said almost lovingly.
His daily affirmations of ‘greatness’ completed, a process begun to help him overcome size deficiencies in parts of his body, most notably his brain, Donald claps his hands together and from behind wall curtains a flock of fawning minions emerge, quivering and blinded by the morning light.
“Make me president,” Donald barks, smirking at himself in the gold-lined mirror. “Tell those idiots I’ll be making vote for me that I am one of them. You tell that pack of white bread morons that I am their way out of the darkness; make me sound convincing and make sure you really slather on the anger and hate, because, man, that lot is rabid and about to lose their collective nut. Most importantly, though, is that they think I am just like them.”
After laughing like a shrill royal mamby-cake for several seconds, Trump returned to his serious tone, which he assured himself was “terrific,” and laid out his fiendish plan to take control of the White House and nullify a terrifying score he could never do outside the Oval Office.
“You make sure, you sniveling rats, that the basic issue-baffled drones who make up about half of the Republican votes think I am one of them and let’s bag the fringe maniacs by making them think I am outside the Illuminati,” Donald barked, caressing his skull ring. “Like those fucking windsocks would even know how to spell Illuminati,” he said to himself.
A cacophony of frantically disappearing footsteps signaled to the would-be leader of the free world, that he should take a dump, and also stop sounding so intelligent and he vowed from that point on to only sound like a complete buffoon.
“I will ignore facts. In fact, I will twist them so thoroughly and so blatantly that the mainstream media, and back channel media too, will hound me like an escaped convict and give me more than enough air time to get my message out. Paranoid Mister Angry down the street, who lives in a cloud of bigotry, misogyny, willing ignorance and general stupefaction, will see the change they want in ME; and I AM terrific.”
The Donald is canny enough to know his crazed oral vomit-fest, laced with the boldest of bald-faced lies and his antics, which no presidential candidate has ever been allowed to get away with, are resonating with America’s angry mid-section that is gurgling quickly towards one major shit bed.
Rather than accept their shortcomings or flaws, these kind of people lash out at those they don’t understand or wish to know. Their disenchantment needs to be considered and explored and cured but Trump will do nothing for them. He just riles them up like an evil child kicking a dog cage and taunting the beasts within.
Trump will make the average American’s lot worse by simply being a blithering, thin skinned narcissist and his rich pals will laugh themselves unconscious in the process as an economic system (Trickle Down Economics) is restored and the one per cent get to keep on doing their nasty thing.
How is that going to work for you ordinary American with barely a job? The same ole same ole you loathe and correctly blame for so many of your nation’s ills and woes, will march along unabated. And your disenchantment will grow as you realize you were duped. Or will you realize it? You fail to want to even accept the simplest truths, such as the fact like it or not, America is a multi-cultural nation and you just don’t have the moral or mental acumen to accept it and work with it. Division is the American way, it seems nowadays.
Of course, Hillary Clinton is probably closer to the heart of the one per cent because she’s a professional trough rat while The Donald is a professional roustabout lout.
And that returns me to my original point. WTF America? This is the best you can come up with?
I mean, the world has been laughing at you for decades. We here in Canada constantly mock you like the big dumb jock you are; the dumb bastard who thinks he will win a fight just because he is bigger than his opponent. If Vietnam didn’t change your opinion, this hockey fight should.
We mock your hilarious lack of geographical knowledge and, because we are Canadian and allow compassion greater sway in our lives, even our right wingers, we feel sorry for you because obviously your educational system is crap.
As we enjoy our universal health-care, uber-rich guys like Trump tell pay cheque-to-pay cheque shlubs, who hate Obama for trying to give them a chance, to believe him because – he’s “terrific.”
Bizarro world is America and it has been for a long, long time.
But now things are straying wildly off in an entirely new and frightening direction.
Donald Trump is the quintessential Ugly American the rest of the world sees and reviles but a blind devotion to ‘a party’ and ‘a way of life’ has a major slug of America backing him.
The Republican Party has been a lost boat filled with cannibals since Reagan left office. The times changed but the party didn’t and one well-manicured puppet after another was trotted out to dupe the TV watchers into believing a set list of necessary principles was ticked off by said puppet.
That same pack of shiny, happy milquetoast bad actors was trotted out again earlier this year and Trump, to his credit, kicked their asses. Americans love an ass kicking! Unfortunately, like the extremist Muslims this pack of zombies hates so much, they are also blind in their convictions and the truth, which happens so often these days, is considered a bad thing. Seriously, fact checking was something considered as evil by the Republicans in the most recent presidential ‘debate.’ Again, WTF? Seriously? How willingly dense have you lot become? And considering the relative economic wellbeing you’ve all enjoyed (compared to the rest of the world), what makes you think you have it so bad? You whiners.
All that said, I am also not saying Hillary is much better. She simply acts more ‘human’ than Trump. That she is a White House rat and is well indentured means she is ‘in on the game’ and her election will only mean four more years of a system that is in charge while America flounders like a canoe filled with drunk, humping rabbits.
Sadly, should Clinton win, the election of the first woman as president will be marred by her reputation – both earned and fabricated by scurrilous wags such as Trump.
The 2016 presidential election in America is the new low. Voters’ choices are one large pile of shit or a slippery squirt.
WTF? Out of 320 million souls – this is the best you can come up with? I know many Americans. Every single one of them would make much greater presidents than Smedly Smugwart and Whitewater Annie.
This election is the clearest signal that old school party politics are as dead as print newspapers and Sarah Palin’s brain.
For so many Americans to willingly stand behind a misogynistic, racist, deceitful, unethical, unprepared, backstabbing windbag who smacks more of Adolf Hitler than any recent leader on the US politico-scape, speaks volumes about how far that nation has fallen and how far it has to go to get back on its feet.
Intelligence, compassion, vision, courage and strength should be key, vital characteristics inherent in those who seek to lead America from this low zone.
Considering the current choices for POTUS: good luck with that.
– Ian Cobb has been a journalist for more than a quarter of a century and has witnessed many examples of howling collective human stupidity but the 2016 US election is the nadir.