By Deb Elliott

My apologies for the lapse in progress reports but I feel as though I have woken from a fog… a fog of quitter hell. Well, maybe that’s exaggerating a bit but truthfully, this has been hard. And then, the truth of that is that it pisses me off that it’s been hard! It’s such a mind game that this addiction plays and I know this because of the book, The Easy Way to Quit Smoking. As I mentioned previously it is chock full of nifty keen facts that are so rational and make such sense that to remain a smoker seems all the more insane. And yet, I read it three times without quitting!

So over the last nine days I have felt a little pride… kinda weird because even though people are asking about how I am doing and I say great I have been lying… inside I have been screaming NOT GREAT THIS IS F&*!*ING HARD AND I FEEL LIKE CRYING AND I REALLY WANT A F*&%#iING SMOKE! I really put myself to the test on Friday night by indulging in some Christmas libation… parade night and I love our parade! Made a pot of chili, had some friends over (all of whom are non-smokers thank goodness!), and I was feeling…well…I think I was a little combative and it was out there… if anyone smoked right then and there I would have caved! I remember saying something about chopping everyone’s heads off…we all laughed at the time because they didn’t know that is how I was REALLY feeling (or maybe they did), even though I love them all dearly and they are among my greatest supporters! You always want to kill the ones you love first.

But that is now another of one of the firsts down… socializing without smoking. I am finding that this is one of the biggest mental hurdles… not the socializing but the “firsts” of everything without including cigarettes. It is the super scariest part! The morning coffee (surprisingly this one has been easy for me!), the phone calls, the coffee visits, the anytime you are around a fellow smoker and the list goes on. Over these past few days I have found myself wandering lost in a daze because my “schedule” of years and years, has been messed up!

Yesterday I gave up and went for a walk. I left my house in the midst of Christmas decorating, in the midst of work projects, laundry and cleaning (see how messed up I was trying to do all these things at once?), and I walked. It was amazing. I bet I was five minutes into it when I could feel the black cloud lifting! I got home, finished the decorating and cleaning and got back to work feeling awesome! The laundry is still in the works for those who are wondering.

Lots of my supporters have said to keep busy and I am all good with that! It’s a new busy and it’s taking some getting used to but as I get my head screwed back on (it fell off from me constantly shaking it in anger that I allow myself to struggle with this when I KNOW I am struggling by choice), I feel stronger in my resolve everyday! Yay! And to my beloved supporters, thank you for not beating me up over my admission of cheating… I did it enough for all of us!  And thank you for being non-smokers because it sure makes becoming one a lot easier!

And so now, I choose to focus on the benefits of this new way of life…thinking about getting super fit and maybe purchasing some tooth whitener! I will keep you posted!

Deb 🙂

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