Kootenay Crust

By Ian Cobb

As it appears that civil liberties are once again falling victim under the guise of ‘security,’ I must once again launch into a tirade about how media and political parties suck.

Which came first, do you think, the snide, arrogant, back-pocket-packed lying sack of crap politician or the oafish, jabbering, noddy-headed journalist?

Clearly, it was the politician. Humans have been preaching ‘what is best for them is best for everyone’ since the days when the first post-monkey person realized a seed they dropped in some mud had turned into an edible plant. Naturally, ‘critics’ follow every wandering bovine with diarrhea, hence the birth of ‘reporting’ and, worse, talking-heading-sans-care-for-being-unbiased.

In the 5,000 years since humans stopped riding dinosaurs and shouting ‘yabba dabba do” and started devolving into puerile gutter slugs being sucked into hand-held devices, the arts of politicking and reporting have changed.

Generation after generation of party politics has created a system of BS designed to benefit the benefactors and with the help of media, now mostly belonging to the benefactors, our society is smeared in distractions, making it all the easier and swifter for the puppet masters to gain their advantages.

With party politics running our nation and provinces we get ‘leaders’ like Stephen Harper or wannabe leaders like Justin Trudeau. Real leaders are too busy leading their self interests to bother with politics so we have to settle, as voters. And we wonder why fewer and fewer people bother to vote? We have professional posturers and posers as leaders. Look at Barack Obama for an example. Man, America went from being led by a ridiculous silver spoon-fed small R American royal rube who kowtowed to dinosaur riders and slobbered on oil tycoon’s laps to Obama. You just can’t make this stuff up.

Our society is now at a point where politicians – in Canada and America – believe they are the show. A great number of them are cheese muffin dimbulbs too useless to succeed in (insert your ‘favourite’ politician’s former career) but smart enough to know how to never accomplishing a freaking thing, other than getting re-elected in order to qualify for the glistening trough feast that is a senior government pension.

All the while the estates of truth have been cut off and shackled from getting near the truth and much reporting has become shallow, tepid or simply accusatory, if there is actually reporting being done. It’s more common to see four jabbering faces trying to shout over one another so their particular ‘bent’ or ‘angle’ can be shoved farther down the public’s throats than their competitor’s. (They get lobbyist badges for that and qualify for 11 crack whores of both sexes in the Bardo between life and death.)

Thanks to the wildfire success of social media such as Facebook and Twitter, ‘reporting’ has taken on a whole new tack. It feeds right into the foul-breathed jaws of the ‘distraction machine’ in the form of grabber ‘headlines’ best suited for market-line tabloids.

The thumb-wielding Twittwerps and Faceaddicts click eagerly when they see hook lines like, “10 ways to stop feeling sorry for yourself and have a larger penis” or “10 foods you can eat without developing rickets” or “See why this hockey player had to change his socks” or “12 things you absolutely won’t believe” or “15 hard to click through frames with photos totally irrelevant to this hook line that may or may not get you in trouble with the FBI or CSIS or your wife.”

Meanwhile, large hunks of truth lay rotting on the floor of the world and suffering continues; while a devil softly taps his finger tips together and smiles, his shadow blotting out the Ukraine.

Clearly, something has to give or a revolution will burst from the chest of this wheezing passion play one of these days. Our elected barkers and shouters and oil tycoon lap dancers are crafting laws that will further restrict our freedoms – in the name of security and at some point, we must, as a country, stop and think about this shit a spell.

Because of the complete lack of regard our political system has for taxpayers in general and because they hold sway over most of the media, I am advocating a new ‘task’ for journalists. It will make for excellent television and copy. Twitter will explode.

Let it be that when a politician behaves churlish, petulant, snotty or behaves in any way untoward for a ‘leader’ in our society, the journalist nearest to said politician gets to Taser them. One short but noticeable burst. Zingggg.

And if a journalist asks a stupid question (a list and definition of stupid questions could be created quite easily) of a politician, they lose their right to Taser for a month. Three strikes with the stupid question bat and you’re out; done; toast; out searching for work that actually pays money, like becoming a watch-tapping, trained seal for some glib shlubb with a steady eye on a glistening trough filled with taxpayer treats and tidbits.

That said, did you know that journalists are trained to ask stupid questions in the same way they are trained to write or report to an audience with an average intellect in the Grade 4 to 8 range? Keep it simple, stupid, is a motto drilled into many gin-soaked brains.

This has helped result in several generations being raised around completely inane reporting that is driven by the dollar and its infamously shallow nonsensicality, pushed forward by bean-counting middle management peons wearing board of director ‘gifted’ sphincter collars.

Amidst all this are gifted and focused journalists who learn to stickhandle through and around the pylon-hatted middle managers who hate them for their convictions, as well as for their education, intelligence and passion and anything else associated with being ‘a professional.’

So arming them with Tasers and giving them ‘Judge’ like powers is only fair in the grand scheme of things. Many journalists got into the field because they wanted to help make their society a better place – a more honest, fair and caring place etc. They didn’t get degrees or diplomas in order to ‘report’ on how awesome the government (pick one) is or to ‘tweak’ facts in order to maximize readership or viewership as demanded by the Great Oz seated before a sprawling boardroom table surrounded by Vogons and Conrad Black clones.

All in the name of security, our politicians, manipulated and torn in all four directions by special interests and butt-covering bureaucrats, continue to weld us all into air tight holes where civil rights are nothing more than inconvenient barriers to achieving a goal. And what is that goal? There’s the rub; the morons don’t have a clue. A good Tasering might bring them around. And it surely would make for awesome television. Imagine Peter MacKay sneering, “Look it up” to the reporter who asked a good question and then slamming onto the steps, writhing and making ‘Nnnnnn’ sounds while urinating himself. Voter turnout would be epic in the next election because the public would be wildly engaged while college and university journalism programs would be filled to the rafters.

Anyway, as promised about 1,000 words ago, here are seven reasons to read this tirade.

– Learn how politicians suck;

– Learn why journalists ask stupid questions;

– Learn how party politics are too corrupt and long-in-the-tooth to be effective in today’s world;

– See kittens dancing;

– Learn how outfitting journalists with Tasers would help keep politicians grounded (haha);

– Learn how our current ruling system is nothing but a backslapping buddy-buddy circle jerk;

– Sex, sex and more sex (maybe – click to find out – you know you wanna…), distractions and stuff…

Finally, here’s Pointy Rex making a really good frigging point.

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