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Posted: January 6, 2016

All of that and no apocalypse, yet

CobbheadKootenay Crust

By Ian Cobb

I shocked my wife for New Year’s.

Not the ole “hey, have you ever felt the tingle from a fork being shoved in a toaster” type of shock but the character trait alteration type.

I was positive; absolutely and completely optimistic about 2016. I showed this by purchasing a red day planner.

Red?” She questioned when seeing my purchase.

“It’s going to be a big year, 2016,” I replied.

Carrie searched for signs of alien manipulation; it was too early for drink. “Good… for you,” she said with pleased hesitation, or perhaps terror.

And so into 2016 we charge, our roads slippery, our world embroiled in selfish insanity, our paths meandering toward inevitable death. Happy New Year everyone!

With that in mind, and considering I’m in an optimistic mood, I have decided to present to you, oh appreciated readers, my top 20 predictions for 2016.

1) Sorry apocalypse nuts but there will be a New Year’s Day 2017.

2) Now that the dire stuff is out of the way, let me bring you down a tad by noting that the gravy train is still derailed and the economy will remain sluggish.

3) However, tourism will continue to swing upward thanks to our dollar, muted in order to try and get vast supplies of sticky bitumen rolling south.

4) Justin (Your money is fun to spend) Trudeau will find himself chin-to-chin with Vladimir Putin. Rather than call him the ‘bully that he is,’ Canada’s latest Prime Minister will challenge him to a game of one-on-one hockey. However, the game will have to be cancelled after a bare-chested Putin falls from a galloping steed while thrashing a group of misfit Huns in a game of ‘bat the head of some guy who was in the wrong place at the wrong time around.’

5) North Korea will come within 10 seconds of blowing itself up but the ‘glorious, all-brave, greatest man alive who can pleasure 12 women at once while defeating Navy SEALS in hand-to-hand-combat-at-the-same-time’ Kim Jong Un saves the day by accidentally tripping over a power cord.

6) ISIS will suddenly abandon Syria, complaining about a lack of people to kill and pointing out they had to give back all their weapons provided to them by the CIA and, personally, from Barack Obama in exchange for an American birth certificate, which they obtained from the Belgians.

7) Outgoing president Obama, bolstered with the return of American arms from ISIS and his numbers swollen by hippies, vegans,homosexuals, YouTube channel hosts, pacifists, Michael Moore, sundry deep thinkers, Oprah Winfrey, the socially ethical, Bill Mahr and the morally grounded will lead government forces against all freedom and Jesus loving folk who will only allow their guns to be removed from their “cold dead hands.” Obliging, Obama carves a swath through the American south, before veering west to New Mexico and Arizona, up to Oregon for Ammon Bundy and then finishing off his rampage in a small wooded property just outside of Priest River, Idaho. George Orwell squirms and oinks in his grave.

8) Donald Trump, enraged by Obama’s snivelling and anti-Americanism, gives into the Illuminati, pays their club dues, kisses rings (that’s code for something else – nudge, nudge, wink, wink, arm flap, arm flap, cheesy car salesman point, cheesy car salesman point, pinky wiggle, pinky wiggle) and becomes the Republican nominee for president.

9) In the ‘cage death match’ to decide the presidency, Hillary Clinton manages to pin Trump in Iowa but “like a greased pig on acid,” as a reporter might describe, Trump wriggles free and lands a blow in Florida, only to find himself stomped into submission once Californians put down their bongs and vote.

10) With Clinton’s looming ascension to Obama’s throne, 23 states apply to secede from the union. When Obama stamps out the mess, because let’s face it, no one will be armed except the bad guys and the government has its way with patriots and Jesus’ chosen few, 88 million people begin storming toward the Canadian border. Luckily, the giant fence that the paranoid and extremely stupid and easily duped built to keep “evil Canadian scum” from entering America (seriously, why the heck would any sane Canadian ‘flee’ to a country with the worst murder rate in the world and, apparently, no self control or respect for fellow humans?), works for Canada’s betterment. Those trapped at the closed border plea to the world as being refugees in need of humanity but no one will take them, citing how they would ruin their society and, besides, they’re all just ‘sleeper cells waiting to carry out their orders.’

11) China sells Hong Kong to Royal Dutch Shell.

12) A Warren Buffett-owned oil train derails in Kansas City. Luckily, as he’s vice-chair of the committee that owns everything, he escapes with light community service. Kansas City will never be the same. In fact, Missouri offers the city in trade to Kansas for the rights to Ed Asner.

13) As a result of Buffett’s blundering, Saudi Arabia applies for citizenship in Royal Dutch Shell Kong. However, its beheading ways lands the Saudi’s in the same line to Shitsandwichville as the 88 million angry Americans (and yes, 88 Million Angry Americans would be a decent name for a band.)

14) Speaking of bygone eras and places, Alberta will be visited by a brief but snotty revolution, as Rachel Notley continues to be blamed for world oil prices and the games being played by big oil and its puppet nations. In the final battle, just outside a ravaged Fort McMurray, the Flames will come out on top of the Oilers 3-2.

15) Further in the world of sports, Sidney Crosby, miffed at being left off the all-star game roster, quits the NHL and buys a Tim Hortons franchise in Coal Harbour. He hires Nathan MacKinnon as assistant manager. The fun continues. Alert Facebook.

16) The Stanley Cup will be contested by the Washington Capitals and Chicago Blackhawks, with the Hawks winning in six games.

17) In entertainment news, season four of Vikings will shock everyone when Ragnar Lothbrok admits he’s a she. Bravely, Caitlin Jenner will appear in the same episode as a Mercian duke with misunderstood designs on Floki.

18) In local news, the City of Cranbrook will become overrun with cats.

19) Jumbo Resort will come to the city’s rescue by adopting all the cats and making them residents of the provincially established resort municipality. However, they come under fire when it comes to light that the cats are living on nothing but foundations and a bit of re-bar, and they’re located in an avalanche zone. They’re also creating an ecological wonk as bears hold off on all that hibernating business because of the available food.

20) Despite all the outside world’s bullsausage, the East Kootenay remains a mountain paradise.

P.S. There could also be periods of earthquakes along the coast followed by a super-volcano eruption and a mini-ice age followed by a catastrophic flood.

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