Kootenay Crust

By Ian Cobb

Apparently we’re having an election sometime soon.

I know this because there is a testy mood floating around out there, as ideologues clash in a frenzy of “you’re wrong” and “no you’re wrong,” quickly followed by “says you!” and “your Mama is so ugly they changed Halloween to YoMamaween!”

On and on and on it drones, like angry or perhaps panicked llamas madly spitting at one another. If you clicked ‘spitting,’ allow me to note that llama is far more eloquent and sensible than the majority of the peons peacocking about, making promises they’ll never keep for so-called leaders of parties that are as outdated as sour cream packaged in 1980.

Thanks to two-term autocrat Stephen (Tyranneau) Harper, flailing his way after a third term like a greedy boar with an eye for total national domination, we poor, forgiving and simpering Canadians are experiencing the longest federal election campaign in our history.

We are a nation that has been experiencing terrible declines in people giving two sniffs enough to stretch their mental muscles long enough to allow a thought or two to bubble up and get off their bulbous behinds and go to the polls and vote.

And our well-past-his-best-before-date PM and his pantheon of tall foreheads thought it would make good sense to start an election campaign in the middle of summer.

One has to assume the reason for this epic campaign was to give the NDP, Liberals and Green Party enough time and rope to hang themselves properly.

Smooth move doofus. A national media mostly bent on hating Harper and his Conservative Party (The Chairman’s All-Together Now Gang) has already trampled a couple of foot soldiers.

The hot centre of Harper’s media hate-on, the CBC, righteously roasted candidate Jerry Bance when, while doing a news piece on home repair companies, their hidden cameras caught him peeing in a coffee mug.

Virally shamed, Bance resigned his candidacy over ‘peegate,’ saying, basically, ‘when ya gotta go, ya gotta go.’

NDP leader Thomas (House Money) Mulcair, who actually stands a chance at winning this election, despite being the leader of the perennial also-ran NDP, smirked, “Must be someone who is adept at Stephen Harper’s trickle-down theory of economics.”

That’s not the only hilarity evidenced during this campaign.

Another Tory candidate drummed out of the gang apparently fancies himself a blogstar. Tim Dutaud, a few years back, acted like a complete asshole, filmed himself doing it, and posted it on YouTube. A Tory-hating digger found the item and off the plank walked Dutaud. What a leader of men and women he would have made.

Harper, taking a ‘turn-it-around’ tactic ala Nixon, later said, “What this says is we keep the highest standard for candidates. And these two individuals are no longer candidates.”

Speaking as an outsider, I have to ask, what else did you miss and what kind of monsters are you foisting on the Canadian voting public? No wonder you don’t want the media speaking to you or your heeled pooches. The things we might find out!

And now we get word that Harper has hired an Aussie campaign fixer and dark arts of manipulation and control master named Lynton Crosby to help baffle Canadians into re-electing his party so he can continue to sell Canada off piece-by-piece to the highest bidders who also donate to the party (as opposed to the Liberals, Greens and NDP who will spend us into the toilet). Don’t we have choices to make! We’re so fortunate to be blessed with such shining examples of leadership, it just makes me want to fall down, sob and give up. But then turn on the TV and watch a program that inspires me to stutter-step to the mall for some brains.

Speaking of monsters, Shortpants Justin Trudeau and his Western Canada screwing over Liberals jabbed their South Surrey-White Rock candidate Joy Davies off the plank, also described as her “resigning,” over comments she made on Facebook, saying marijuana use leads to a reduction in domestic violence and it doesn’t hurt kids.

Using the words marijuana and kids close together is simply stupid. The high horse rearing dinosaurs with slowly calcifying brains, ruined from years of hydraulic press-like clamping, keeping all other ideas and concepts out of their heads, went berserk.

That she is most assuredly correct in her suggestion that weed smokers are less likely to beat their spouse or kids than, say, people on legal pharmaceuticals and booze (usually in combination), or those who suffer from illiterate misinterpretations of their religious guidebooks, doesn’t matter to flippy-floppy Justin. And no Justin, you are not ready! Though that damned Tory commercial still makes me angry because of the pissy high schoolyard pettiness of it. To me it encapsulates Harper’s reign. Pissy, obtuse and petty and yet, because people are lazy sheep who believe what they want to believe, it works for them.

Now the NDP, apparently the jokers of this race, have mimicked the most idiotic political commercial in Canadian history, complete with the asinine hair comment.

Because that’s what we Canadians want representing us in Parliament – where the laws of this land, once a proud and respected nation that stood for peace and fairness are made. According to the four corners of the same ole same ole crap, we want complete assholes who rail about each other’s hair by cheaping-out on poorly produced commercials with bad actors flailing out imbecilic lines that make the entire thing sound and seem like four teenaged girls or boys arguing in a high school bathroom.

And there is still five plus weeks to go! Perhaps evil wizard Crosby will push everything in a new direction, such as trying to make Canadians believe Tories are “a fine pack of Shielas” by depicting them in everyday, ordinary situations, such as kowtowing to Chinese energy vampires.

What’s next? ‘Green Party candidate discovered secretly reading the Canadian Business Journal and tweeting about the need to consider the human equation in the great environmental problem’ or ‘Mulcair calls Harper a Canadiens fan; bitchy slappy fight ensues.’

I can hardly wait.

– Ian Cobb is the owner/editor of e-KNOW and someone who desperately wishes he could snap his finger and make our archaic system of governance, that represents money and re-election bids over constituents, no matter the ‘party,’ go away and be replaced by something that reflects 21^st Century needs and realities. He also believes that the word ‘party’ should be left alone because the fun, carefree suggestiveness in the word has been royally crapped on by a pack of vicious liars who seek nothing more than access to the taxpayer-funded pension trough, and mebbe a little extra gravy in the Senate.

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