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Posted: July 30, 2017

The freakiest press release ever

Kootenay Crust

By Ian Cobb

The life of a newspaper (online and print) editor consists of a seemingly endless flow of ‘press releases’ dinging into our email accounts.

I get anywhere between 40 and 80 emails a day. Most have no relevance to the East Kootenay – the bailiwick e-KNOW covers. Most of these press releases consist of organizations, businesses or individuals trying to sell something or gain some free exposure.; the minority of them contain actual news or indicators toward news stories.

I get wee messages in the upper right corner of my Mac telling me about incoming emails. The ‘ding’ of the message appearing always gets my attention because you never know what it might be.

This afternoon I heard a ‘ding’ and looked up to see: “General Lori Robinson, Commander of the North American Aerospace Defense Command and U.S. Northern Command, provides the following statement in light of Friday’s North Korean ICBM Launch.”

THAT caught my attention.

I can’t say I have ever received a real press release from North American Aerospace Defense Command and U.S. Northern Command in 26 years in the journalism business.

I was aware of North Korea’s latest missile launch, which landed in the sea close to Japan. Most people are aware that North Korea is a slave nation run by a crazy little clown despot named Kim Jong-un, best known in North America for his recurring roles on South Park.

Despite only having 25.37 million people, North Korea has the fourth largest standing army in the world, at an estimated 1.2 million personnel. The ‘Supreme Commander’ of the army is Kim Jong-un, who comes across like a wacky uber-rich boy, with wealth attained on the backs and lives of 25.37 million people, who are nothing more than skin vessels for the divine creator of nerve spasms and wonderment, Kim Jong-un the glorious champion of the universe and beyond.

The supreme commander has been playing with new toys lately – inter-continental ballistic missiles. And he’s been crowing smugly about soon being able to reach North America, whence he can rain imperial death upon the weak heads of the inscrutable heathens.

Two days ago the stupid little maniac dropped a missile in the ocean about 230 miles from Japan. It’s the second such launch in a month.

Naturally, the Japanese and South Koreans are not amused. And the Americans, based on the press release I just received, feel it is necessary to blanket message media with the following statement:

This tells me three things.

One, the military seems to not want President Donald Trump taking point on this one and two, Donald Trump, cut from the same cloth as Kim Jong-un, in that he was/is a spoiled rich asshole with the social skills of sawdust and the same IQ as a tsetse fly, is going to incite terrible mayhem.

This is not a time for two out-of-touch wankers, one an actual dictator and the other a wannabe dictator, to start posturing and puffing their chests.

Because, three, the North American Aerospace Defense Command and U.S. Northern Command, just talked some serious smack, as they have not made it their common practice to tell the world and an enemy via a press release (and probably Facebook posts and Tweets etc.) that it is ready to dance. The above release is not a declaration of war; but it is a declaration of ‘Right then; this is your warning. If you do that again…’ and that dear readers is freaking scary.

This makes the Floyd Mayweather and Conor McGregor world tour sound like Victorian dinner table chatter.

So to you Kim Jong-un, the most impressive gent in the history of impressive gents wearing drab pyjamas, some advice: the world’s mightiest military just warned you that they are ready to start chuckin’ knuckles. This mighty military’s supreme commander is – gulp – Donald J Trump. He is absolutely stupid enough and egomaniacal enough to give the order for the US Military to engage.

And if that happens, life on the west coast of North America will get much more interesting.

A severe US response to North Korea could upset the Chinese. The Russians would get involved, because they’re probably the ones feeding Kim Jong-un with the stuff his people need to build better missiles.

Crazy leaders lead to crazy times (see also: the Second World War).

The press release from General Lori Robinson signals to the world that escalation will occur, not might occur, if North Korea continues doing what it is doing. I can’t see the world’s greatest athlete, wisest scientist and stoutest lover Kim Jong-un backing down in this game of chicken.

Unless sage and reasoned leadership is practiced in the next few months, we could find ourselves entering the Third World War. It likely won’t be a long war but it will be horrifyingly devastating for all involved. And considering the ‘leadership’ involved, I’m feelin’ kind of 1980, when we lived day to day in fear of nuclear holocaust.

Sorry to bum you out on a lovely, blazing hot, tinder dry Sunday afternoon in the heavily wooded East Kootenay.

Ian Cobb is owner/editor of e-KNOW

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