Kootenay Crust By Ian Cobb

Op-Ed Commentary

Dear USA:

Congratulations on winning your first men’s hockey Olympic gold medal in 46 years. There’s been much heartbreak between 1980 and 2026, with a litany of stinging losses littering your memory banks.

So today must feel marvelous as you look back at yesterday’s 2-1 overtime victory against us – your former best friend and hockey arch-rival Canada.

But don’t be smug, as you are so wont to be, because we let you win. Do you think Nathan Mackinnon missed that open net because he choked?

We let you win because, despite the fact you’ve been a complete backstabbing swine the last year, we still care about you and know that you’ve been an asshole, liar and thief because you are governed by one. You are also caught in the fetid wake of a cabal of like-minded freaks, goblins and shitesnarfers scuttling below their master’s ample cankles conducting endless distractions and nefarious deeds designed to dupe the hardcore fruit loops – the MAGA sect – from forgetting about the Epstein Files.

We know that most of you are not responsible for the constant cacophony of idiocy, madness and grift and because of our long friendship and the fact that millions of us have American family and friends, we are not dropping you like your president has dropped us.

Recognizing our hurting American cousins needed a win, we let you win yesterday, with the hopes it would cheer you up and maybe stop being such a complete prick and maybe stop trying to destroy world order containing peace and freedom because you are governed by a Russian operative who is quite clearly guilty of some of the most heinous crimes a human can commit.

We’ve won tons of those medals and baubles while you whimpered dejectedly on the sidelines over this past century or more, so we gave you this gift. That it appears as though the US team will recognize this gift by heading to Washington to bow their knees before the tyrant also means nothing to us. We know you have no choice because you are becoming subservient subjects who quiver at the cankles of a giant man baby who breathes deception and exhales hate.

Collectively, as voters and citizens, you have defiled every great, patriotic effort made in the past 250 years to make the USA great. But feel good for a moment or two as you bask in the golden glow of an Olympic triumph.

I am certain the US team’s ‘visit’ with Emperor Trump will result in him demanding their gold medals as a form of bum smooching tribute and I am sure the Tkachuk brothers will lead the way in ensuring that happens.

Meanwhile, Canada returns to the top of the hockey mountain to bask in vast ancient memory seas of victory and hockey glory, secure in the knowledge it is always there for us to take back. And take it back we shall.

In closing, USA, please enjoy this gift from Canada. You needed a win to cheer you up. You simply needed this more than we did. Friends help suffering friends.

We’ve become a more unified nation this past year thanks to the petulance of your giant man baby and didn’t need a ‘win’ to make us feel better about ourselves.

Never mind those separatist whiners in Alberta who find kinship with MAGA and love them some giant man baby (reflected by their giant woman baby premier). Their petulance and snivelling have also served to bind Canadians together because Alberta is seen as a pampered, rich province with daddy issues and we like to stand around laughing at those Albertans while we share jokes about their thin skin and general lack of awareness of the larger world beyond their comprehensions. Traits similar to MAGA hate sheep.

Congratulations again on your hockey gold medal, USA.

In all seriousness, your team earned it but you don’t deserve it. And in the name of Gordie Howe, Mario Lemieux and Wayne Gretzky, don’t you dare give Trump a gold medal.

– Ian Cobb is owner/editor of e-KNOW

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