Or: How not to lose your playoff pool and be attacked with a cheese grater by your mate/partner/wife

The very second I tap my computer keys to write these words, several million Canadians, mostly men, are dipping their toes into the waters of National Hockey League Playoffs prognostication.

Who is going to win the Stanley Cup and who will lose it?

At the same moment, an equal number of Canadians, mostly women, are rolling their eyes and sighing inside as men in their life, and on the border of their lives, and in the corners and back of the top, dusty, unreachable shelves, blither on and on about hockey.

For those who could care less about hockey, it is like being stuck seated next to an out-of-control chatterbox with emotional problems and halitosis on a cross-Pacific Ocean flight to have to listen to hockey-heads rant and rave.

Rather than corner my loving partner and jibber on about Sidney Crosby’s broken jaw, the Washington Capitals’ late charge, the Vancouver Canucks’ never-ending goaltending silliness, why the Ottawa Senators will defeat the Montreal Canadiens and how the defending champion LA Kings will lose in the first round, I am doing it here.

My love is downstairs making salad, likely wincing at the thought of me going down and starting to babble about Evgeny Malkin’s ongoing injury woes and how the wonky bastard cost me in the regular season pool, and how it could provide an opening for which ever team faces the powerful Pittsburgh Penguins in the second round.

Nope, I am not going to bother her with my theory about how the Toronto Maple Leafs will literally poop the bed against the Boston Bruins. My crystal ball is often fuzzy and covered with what seems to be wing sauce but I see Phil Kessel and then a bad mess, with occasional glimpses of Brian Burke laughing hysterically in the background while he waves two one-finger salutes.

I’ll spare her why I think the Detroit Red Wings aren’t ‘the dead things’ and will overcome the tapped-out Anaheim Ducks and why I believe the New York Rangers will beat the Capitals in seven games.

Ditto shall I refrain from risking making her grab the cheese grater, now covered in wound-enhancing parmesan residue, by informing her, in a musing, chin-rubbing way, that I think the Chicago Blackhawks are going to rampage to the finals, like the Kings did last year. I know it’s folly to just pick the two top teams in the league to finish in the finals, but this year – I just can’t see anyone in the west beating the Hawks, or anyone in the East touching the Penguins (even if Crosby or Malkin miss games from injury).

Finally, I will give my love reprieve from rambling incoherently onward about how I think the Boston Bruins will meet the Pens in the Eastern Final and the St. Louis Blues will barrel their way to the Western Final against the Hawks.

And she’ll never know that I believe the dark horse teams – the clubs that could shake off bad hoodoo or find a new gear – are most likely to be: Vancouver, Detroit, NY Rangers and the Ottawa Senators.

There – armed with those engrossing and important facts, get thee hence to your nearest playoff pool.

For an extra fiver – I’ll give you these 20 golden rules when taking part in a playoff draft pool.

DON’T …

1)   Don’t pick injured players.

2)   Don’t pick retired players.

3)   Don’t pick lousy players.

4)   Don’t pick players from non-playoff teams.

5)   Don’t take a dozen freaking beers this time.

6)   Don’t drink a dozen freaking beers this time.

7)   Don’t pick anyone named MIKE PECA (see rule 2 for more)

8)   Don’t ingest blue-veined fungus before the pool.

9)   Don’t think it’s funny to only select players whose names rhyme with ‘ingus’, ‘oot’ or ‘humpty Dumpty’ (see rule 8)

10) Don’t ever think you’ve selected an awesome team right after the pool ends, because that’s the beer talking (and if rule 8 has been broken, that too).

DO…

1)   Pick sturdy players.

2)   Pick good players.

3)   Pick players from teams you think will go the farthest in the playoffs.

4)   Pick players who get the most ice time.

5)   Take lots of extra beer for the other lads in the pool. Lots more beer.

6)   Ensure your fellow poolies are glazed and roasted and lost in a world of picking players from their favourite team.

7)   Make random comments, to no one in particular but just loud enough to be heard by a couple of fellow poolies, such as, “I hear Ovechkin has shingles” or “Nasty about Patrick Kane and the side effects from Cymbalta.”

8)   Have a large meal before going to the draft.

9)   Remember your damned stats sheets!

10)  Keep an accurate list of who you’ve selected because you will undoubtedly fail to heed rules five and six on the ‘don’t side.

Good luck and may the best poolie win.

Ian Cobb/e-KNOW

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