Mommy’s Weird

By Kyla Cornish

Essential oils stress me out.

I know that totally defeats their purpose, but they do.

It’s like I need an essential oil to de-stress me so I can actually shop for the damn things.

New things overwhelm me.

I have to research the hell out of things before I feel ready to try to adapt to them.

Don’t even talk to me about Apple TV.

Or apple cider vinegar.

I. Just. Cannot.

Slowly, I have been watching my friends dive into the essential oils craze. Now, before you freak out on me about this let’s be honest: most of you became familiar with them after going to a home party at a friends home. You drank wine and ate spinach dip and then left with a starter kit of oils and a diffuser tucked under your armpit. You also hid the bill at the bottom of your purse because your husband will be totally unimpressed with your latest impulse buy.

Didn’t you?

Didn’t you…?

You did.

I know you did.

Don’t even try to fake it with me.

So, as I did with Ugg boots, which was wait three years, to see if the fad was going to stick around before purchasing, I started to delve into the world of essential oils.

First, I quizzed the hell out of another mom at dance; for approximately six weeks. I must have asked her 3,000 times just to tell me what to buy.

“Wellllllll…” she would say. ” It’s really hard to say because it depends what you are looking for… because one kind gives me headaches and another kind I put in the kid’s room…”

‘Your kids have diffusers in their rooms?”

“Yup. We have six in the house.”

“Wait, do you use different oils in each of them?”

“Well, it depends on what we need them for. If the kids are sick I use…”

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Now, you have to realize, this is about six weeks of this. And yes I was genuinely interested, but I didn’t understand her jargon. I just wanted her to tell me what to do.

I was getting frustrated.

“I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR. I JUST WANT TO SMELL LIKE A YOGA STUDIO!” I yelled. She looked at me like the psycho I was behaving like and told me to go smell some at one of four of the local stores that sold the hippy serum.

Okay. She never called it hippy serum. I did. Because really… let’s call these oils what they really are.

Anywho…

So, I went to a store that sells locally made essential oils and sniffed for around 45 minutes.

Yes, that long.

As I was sniffing the 35 oils, I made a system, if I liked one, I would move the tester forward an inch. At the end of the row, I had narrowed it down to seven to choose from.

Smart, right?

Then the sales associate came over to help me out because I had been huffing for about 32 minutes. I was probably starting to look pale.

As she was discussing the oils with me, she slowly started to move the inched forward oils back into the line with the other oils.

“Nooooooooooooooooo!” I yelled. “That’s my system. You just ruined my syyyyyyyyysssttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeem.”

Damn it.

After another 22 minutes, I finally picked the one that smelled the most like Mr. Clean.

The sales associate mentioned that I bought the most popular selling oil.

Shocking.

That night I jumped online and bought a diffuser. The cheapest one I could find because I wasn’t even sure if I was going to be into this voodoo vinegar.

Three days later the diffuser arrived.

I was happier than a kid at Christmas.

I picked up the phone and promptly called the dance mom.

Please note; I have never called this dance mom before.

Actual conversation:

Me: Hi it’s Kyla Cornish calling from dance.

Other Mom, very cautiously: Oh hey, what’s going on?

Me: Oh um. I ordered a diffuser and it arrived today and I am just so excited I had to call you.

Other Mom; Oh okay. That’s great.

Me: I have never been this excited about anything in my life before. Usually I order clothes online, but never ever anything for me. I am just so excited.

At this point she let out a giggle and told me I was going to love it.

And I did love it.

I mean it took awhile to understand.

Who knew you had to add water? And clean it. And use different settings. And it glows.

After the first day, I became obsessed that it wasn’t giving off enough of the smell I was looking for. So, I added about 35 drops of the oil.

There.

That should do it.

Much better.

Then I moved it to the kitchen while I was doing dishes. After dishes I carried the diffuser to the living room so it could run while I watched six episodes of Friday Night Lights. Then I carried it upstairs to my bedroom to let it run for an hour before I hit the hay.

If they made a Baby Bjorn for my diffuser I would have used it.

Then I started to tire of my Mr. Clean smelling oil and wanted to try something new.

So yesterday, I spent 30 minutes trying a new store out and smelling their brand.

Then today, at hot yoga I spent more time checking out the essential oils that they were using in the studio than I did doing downward dog.

Later today after picking up my son from preschool, I wandered into the kitchen and plugged my diffuser in.

Nothing.

I jiggled the plug.

Nothing.

Hmmmm.. the power must be out.

I plugged in the coffee maker.

Well, that works.

I re-plugged in my diffuser.

Nothing.

I started to cry like a coyote.

Noooooooooooooooooooo.

Then I shook and bounced my body like a toddler in the cereal aisle.

Why… is… this… happening… to me?

Defeated.

You win universe.

Now someone pass me the Febreze.

 

– Kyla Cornish is a “retired” radio Dj adjusting to being a Momma of two children. Main problems? Lack of sex, sleep sanity and an addiction to saucy chicken wings. Kyla has been published in a series of funny blogger ebooks, ‘Life Well Blogged.’ She has also been recognized as one of the Top 25 Funny Moms in Canada and US by Circle of Moms. Then she was kicked out of that contest for cheating. Kyla appeared on the Los Angeles-based television show FabLife on November 2. She also won a baking competition when she was 11 at a 4-H Rally. Find Kyla here: http://www.mommysweird.com and follow on twitter @mommyisweird

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