Home »
Glamour shots
Mommy’s Weird
By Kyla Cornish
Some of my friends got together and took glamour shots for their husbands for Christmas.
I was horrified.
Not horrified for them.
Power to them. I have some very good looking and confident friends.
I was horrified that they thought I would be interested.
Do my friends not know me at all?
Do they actually think I am the type of person who would be interested in wearing a push up bra, high heels and fishnets? Oh, I know I talk like a trucker and write sexual escapades like a call girl. Plus, I have a very inflated sense of self. But, dressing up for a photo shoot?
No.
Not my thing.
Never has been. Never will be.
But, mainly, I didn’t do it because of my husband.
Let’s pretend to be Zed for a moment…
Seriously.
Be patient with me, I am trying to paint a scene here. Use your imagination.
It’s Christmas morning…
The kids have finished opening their gifts, the house is a mess and you are into your third cup of coffee and Bailey’s. Your wife just put a movie on for the kids so the two of you can have some quiet time to open your gifts to each other.
You glance under the tree and notice that there is only one gift left. And its for you!
What could it be?
You already got socks, underwear and the “Neil Young” biography. What more does a man need?
Then your wife hands you a present.  It’s about the size of an iPad.
Your mind starts going a mile a minute. You smile at your wife. You try to act calm but in your head you are screaming, “OH MY GOD, SHE GOT ME AN IPAD. SHE ACTUALLY LISTENS TO WHAT I SAY. YES YES YES YES YES. I CANNOT WAIT TO CALL EVERYONE I KNOW. FINALLY I HAVE AN IPAD! I AM LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME!  YES YES YES YES YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!”
Calmly, you open your ipad, er, present.
Wait a minute. This is a picture of my wife?
Why is she…?
Why is her hair…?
Why is she pouting …?
What is she wearing…?
WHERE THE HELL IS MY IPAD!
– Kyla Cornish is a “retired” radio Dj adjusting to being a Momma of two children. Main problems? Lack of sex, sleep sanity and an addiction to saucy chicken wings. Kyla has been published in a series of funny blogger ebooks, “Life Well Blogged.” She has also been recognized as one of the Top 25 Funny Moms in Canada and US by Circle of Moms. Then she was kicked out of that contest for cheating. She also won a baking competition when she was 11 at a 4-H Rally. Find Kyla here: http://www.mommysweird.com and follow on twitter @mommyisweird
