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Vampire deer terrifies region
The urban deer ‘problem’ in the East Kootenay has taken a terrifying turn for the worse.
Residents in the Waldo area have recently filed several complaints to the RCMP based around deer savaging coyotes and dogs with “vampire-like fangs.”
Newgate RCMP Detachment NCO Sgt. Null Gossamery told e-KNOW, through an interpreter, that it is not known if there could be more than one of these deer.
“I found a coyote near Englishman Creek that looked as though it had been sucked dry by a giant mosquito. At first I thought it might be a result of the nearby hummingbird infestation in Rexford but they leave dozens of nasty peck marks, whereas the vampire deer leave two giant, nasty, gaping holes in their victim’s necks,” Gossamery reported with a prevaricator’s slouch.
There have been a couple of other reports of dogs being attacked in the Tee Hee Creek area.
“People need to be aware of these ferocious ungulates, especially if they migrate into the cities. Imagine what one of those busters would do in Cranbrook,” Sgt. Gossamery exclaimed. “Clover traps wouldn’t stand a bloody chance!”
The Ministry of Forests, Lands and Resource Oscillations reported it intends to issue a press release as soon as it finds its glasses. However, e-KNOW has learned through great coercion and IPA consumption that the emergence of this menacing strain of deer is making the provincial government re-think its irresponsible stand on the urban deer matter and declare complete ownership of all the Queen’s deer on Crown land.
Sage solutions to the results of a decade or more of dog control in the East Kootenay are coming forthwith, “thanks to this mind blowing vampire deer development,” the government official said, once the giggling fit subsided. “We’ve been wrong all along and should take responsibility for our deer because we know they are causing all sorts of sociological dilemmas in such places as Cranbrook, Invermere, Kimberley, Elkford and now, Waldo,” the government official said, sinking noticeably.
A local Conservation Officer Service member, speaking on terms of anonymity said, “I’m not the Photoshop artist who did this. Happy April Fool’s Day.”
Above photo: The vampire deer was photographed while shopping for dental floss in Wardner. Photo submitted by Nix Insignificancy Photos
Ian Cobb/e-KNOW
